been gone
I haven't felt like writing lately. I have been spending my time trying to recover from this hysterectomy. And it's going well. Compared to many places in this world, I have it good. I'm in good shape so I don't feel that I have a lot of room to complain. However, I am human and there are things that really need resolution. So that is my goal. I'm ready to put things away and let the positive things shine.

I've learned that there are friends and there are good friends. People are a mystery to me sometimes. I have been so fortunate to have been raised in a family of love and support. Regardless of what you say or do or believe in, it is always accepted. There is no manipulation, backstabbing, games, nothing. There is no reason for it. So I think that's why, even at my age, I am still blown away when people are dishonest. It just doesn't make sense to me.

During my healing time, I have done some serious letting go. I feel so good about it. I worry that when I return to work, that relationship will haunt me. I'm sure it will be a challenge. I wish I knew how to better deal with it. This is a new one to me.

On a brighter note, My granddaughter will be 1 year old next month and my girls and I will be traveling to Arizona for her party. I am restoring a baby doll cradle that was made for my mother by her uncle. I'm going to make a few baby doll blankets and put them in it. I am so excited. It's going to be in good hands. She has my mothers middle name as well. It's fitting.

The weather has finally warmed up a bit here in Northern California. I was about to go postal. Being a desert raised girl this rain really takes its toll on me. So, I'm happy for Spring!

Trying to figure out how LJ works to connect with others........ Maybe I should try harder :)

I won't need a plumber
Well, tomorrow I go in for a total hysterectomy. I am just now getting nervous, I was able to ignore it keeping busy with kids and work. But now it's time. I leave at 6am. It will be done by noon. I have some wonderful friends who are going to text my family for news. I am fortunate in that department.

This is one hurdle I will be happy to be over. Then I can deal with other issues at hand.
My youngest daughter has been doing very well emotionally, until tonight when I wouldn't lift the time restriction off her phone. Her argument was "I've been trying".. and she has, very much so. But still not enough for me to allow her to text till midnight. She basically lost it and we had emotions.

My husband tests my patience. I still feel like I might be married to my mother-in-law, and that doesn't sit real well with me. I just don't know what to do about it.

Other than that, the sun has been out for 3 days!!!!!!! Maybe a few more. But I have been so happy to see it! However, it will rain for the next two weeks apparently. yay.........

As for those fair weather friends who have really tested me, I am slowly becoming numb and will hopefully soon be able to put that to rest. It's so hard for me to let go sometimes.

Sad day
Good afternoon.

Yesterday I learned of the loss of a dear cousin. I will be travelling to Anaheim tomorrow for services this weekend. He will be missed very much. He was a super support for me when I was taking care of my mother, who had breast cancer. He was also her favorite cousin. Funny, lovable, full of spirit and always happy. Not to mention a Master Mason.

I will miss you Lee.
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Tuesday and I struggle
When I woke up this morning, I realized I hadn't moved all night. One cat on my belly and one on each side of my legs.. Ok, it was cold and they wanted warmth, but holy cow.

One must wonder why we move towards things that aren't good for us. And why it's so hard to give those things up. A relationship for instance. Involvment with someone who made you feel so good and safe for so long.. ok only a year.. but as it turns out, it wasn't something that would last. I can honestly say, I didn't change it. He did. But did it have to be so cut and dry? Still friends, but too hard for me to turn that switch off. I've never felt so relaxed, and it was ripped away. That's the part I can't let go of. And I have to. I guess someday, I will be able to create that happiness for myself. I think I've heard that before. Ok, my new goal..

Another long day at work ahead. I like my job.
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This is an introduction. Never been one to put my thoughts on paper or to let others in. But this IS my new life, right? I don't really think my thoughts are appropriate for my friends, as I know what they would say and how they would react. I think I might be looking for unbiased ideas. I am not looking for any romantic relationship, that's for sure. Let me outline my life.

I became a grandmother last April and I love it!
I have three children, ages 27 (the new daddy), 18 and 16
I married because I was pregnant (for the second time)
I am considering a divorce, I am not in love, and am realizing that I am married to my mother in law, after 19 years
I have a 16 year old daughter who is in trouble, angry and hates her new rules, threatening to sneak out at night, was involved in drugs, sex and drink
I am about to move out of state with her so that I can remove her from the people who are leading her down the wrong roads.
I have a father who is living with us, an alcoholic
My mother died 2 years ago from breast cancer
I hate rain, I haven't seen the sun in days
I have a relationship at work that I felt so good about, but have learned the hard way, again, that I cannot just trust.. Open your eyes and see things for what they are, that should be my motto.. but I am an idiot.

That is a brief description, and I know it sounds negative. But it feels like I am overwhelmed with hard situations right now. I'd like to learn how to journal effectively. So, Hopefully not to bore anyone, including myself!

I'm about to have a hysterectomy!! YAY!!!
My kids are all healthy
I own a home in the desert
I have a Jeep, ok two Jeeps

More later..........


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